Now that I'm done with (and have passed!) thesis...

1. You can expect a lot more blog posts.  I have ideas brewing again, finally.

2. If you want to read my thesis, you can do so here: http://scholarship.claremont.edu/scripps_theses/139

3. If you don't want to read my thesis, you should still read my acknowledgements, because I enjoyed writing them.

*****

I would like to say thank you to everyone who helped me write this thesis.

First, to my readers, Professors Matt Delmont and Mary Cardenas, for their support and encouragement in this process, and for reminding me at optimal moments that my thesis wasn’t about to write itself.

To the unofficial readers who were willing to dive into my paper and provide me useful feedback just to help a friend: Jake, Nina, Amanda, Emily, Mariam, Mom, Tyler, Greg and Rachel.  It wouldn’t have gotten to this point without your ideas and advice.

To Scott and Jacob, for stress relieving pun breaks, breaded cats, and general suitemate love whenever I needed it.

To Cecily and Josh, because it isn’t a party without you.

To Grant, for warding off my writers block and always making me laugh.  I’m glad you got over your fear of hurdles, and I hope you can find your watch in time.

To Dave, because even though you weren’t around to see me write a thesis, I know you would have been rooting for me the whole way.

And finally, to my parents, not only for believing in me, but reminding me that I have plenty of reasons to believe in myself.  Thank you for all of your love and support.

There's a reason they call it a death drop...

"I took this class because I'm afraid of heights"

It's one of those statements that makes a lot less sense when you say it out loud, but I said it anyways, because it was true.

When I first saw aerial silks performers at the LA County Fair last year, all could think was "I want to do that".  It looked fun, but far more... it looked like a controlled risk.  Like something that would scare me just enough that I'd have to push myself out of my comfort zone - but not so scary that I wouldn't do it (like roller coasters... those are just too scary).  So when I found out several months later that I can take silks classes through school as a PE credit, I signed right up.  Nothing was going to keep me away from my challenge.

As it turned out, the heights were hardly an issue.  Our teacher is amazing, keeping us moving slowly enough that we always feel completely in control.  As it turns out, I'm not afraid of heights at all - I'm afraid of falling.  Obviously, the higher the height, the greater my fear... but if I can trust that I won't fall, I'm not scared.  Forty foot climbing wall, strapped into a harness?  No problem at all.  I'm holding onto that wall, and I have the harness as backup in the off chance that I slip.  Edge of a roof of a 20 foot building?  No way.

The silks in this studio aren't that tall, maybe 20 feet.  You never actually go all the way to the top.  Best of all?  As long as I have some arm strength left, I can come down to the ground in a slow and controlled manner, no matter what.  Until today, I had nothing to be afraid of.

Until today, we hadn't done any drops.  Until today, I had no reason not to be in complete control of myself, of my my situation.

Today, I could feel the adrenaline rushing before I had even touched the silks.  No chickening, though.  I couldn't finish the class without trying a drop at least once.

I took this class because I'm afraid of falling.

At the top of the silks, dangling upside down like I'd already done plenty of times... feeling myself slipping and knowing that my instinctive response, curling up in the fetal position, is exactly what will make me fall.  Sitting up, slowly.  Not leaning forward too far, just enough to grab some slack...

"Okay, that looks good... now just lean forward and spread your arms into a T"

"Just?"

Just trying to make light of the situation.  Twenty feet in the air, staring at the ground... no way down but to fall.  No way down but exactly what I don't want to do.  Just lean forward.  Just...

The only way to face a fear is with confidence.  Fake confidence, if you believe it for long enough, is plenty good.  Just fool myself into believing I was fine... for just long enough, just long enough for gravity to take over.  Just long enough to lean forward.

I smiled.  Biggest fake smile I could handle.  "Okay!"  This won't be too bad, I told myself.

And then I was scrambling.  Silks already in my hands, my feet reached for something... anything... if I could just wrap my leg... just catch the silk... just stop the fall... slow it, maybe... my foot touched something... hovering upside-down for a second... falling slowly... so slowly... no more momentum and for just a second, I was balanced by a silk across my back... not how I was supposed to land.

Instinct told me to curl.  "Arch your back!" they all yelled, "arch!"

When you're in the air, right is left, up is down, arch is crunch.  A few inches of slip feels like a mile.  Nothing makes sense when you're in the air.

I started to curl into a ball, afraid.  I knew my arms weren't in control, I knew I was carefully balanced.  I was scared, I wanted the safety ... but when I moved, I tipped... just slightly... just enough towards my head that I knew I was wrong.

"Arch your back!"

Things started to make sense.

I dropped my feet towards the ground.

I knew which way was down.

Slowly... slowly but finally in control... I reached the ground.  I was there... safe.

"If I'd gone backwards, I would have hit my head"

"No, no.  I was right there.  I would have grabbed you in time."

Spotters don't make sense when you're in the air either, but on the ground, I remembered.

The only way to face a fear is with confidence.  Fake confidence will do, as long as you can fool yourself for long enough.

Don't forget to smile.

I don't have any pictures/video of my drop, but here's basically what it's supposed to look like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHh2EoSno9w ... Pictures from class will be coming eventually.

More Rain :)

Rain does not fall on one roof alone.

Last night at church, we continued our study of ancient proverbs with this African proverb.

Pastor Dan talked about how we shouldn't forget to share our sorrows - that there is usually someone else who has gone through something similar, someone who can sympathize with us and give us advice.

When I first heard the proverb, I thought it differently.  I thought about how often, tragedy befalls the lot of us, not just one person.  Hurricane Sandy, for instance, affected a large number of people.  When someone passes away, everyone who loved her feels the loss.  Even the minor things - a stressful week - in college, at least, the stressful weeks hit everyone at the same time.  When we're hit with these things, we need to remember that those around us are probably feeling them as much as we are, and muster what strength we can to be compassionate towards those around us.  Too often, we like to pretend we're the worst off and everyone needs to help us, but that's rarely the case.

It's raining today.  I don't know what it is about rain and my blog and my always wanting to blog on rainy days, but it is what it is.  And today, it is raining.  I'm trying to pound out the thesis and lamenting that I can't quite find the courage to go outside and run in the rain, jump in a few puddles, enjoy the feel of raindrops splashing against my face.

It's raining today.  Have I ever mentioned how much I love rain?

Rain brings life.  So often, that phrase is used in the sense of "be grateful for the rain, it brings life".  But that's not what I mean.  Being around rain makes me feel alive.  I love it so much.  I miss it when I'm not at home, in my beautiful rainy state.  Only on very rare occasions does rain seem like a bad thing to me.

Rain does not fall on one roof alone... and happiness shared is happiness multiplied.

I'm sure it's not just me.

Even this shall pass...

Lydia gave the sermon at church last night.

We've been covering proverbs... not, like, book of Proverbs proverbs, but just ancient proverbs from various cultures and the things we can learn from them.  Last night, the topic was the phrase "this too shall pass."

As the story goes, a king a long long time ago asked his group of advisers to bring him something that can make the happiest person sad and the saddest person happy.  After they went off and thought about it a while, and searched the world for what knowledge they could find, they finally came back with a ring.  On the ring, a phrase was inscribed: this too shall pass.

I'm sure a lot of us have heard this saying before, since it's fairly common...  I definitely find it helpful in times of sadness, knowing that no matter what is going on in my life, it will pass and I'll move on.  I hadn't actually considered it as applying to happy situations as well - that those moments also eventually end (though I am well aware of this fact, especially as a college senior).

The way Lydia talked about it, however, was different.  She discussed the idea of impermanence - that nothing will be around forever, and we need to go out into the world with open hands.  We can't cling to the things we love, else we will suffocate them.  We will ultimately be much better off (happier, more satisfied) if we can accept that the moments of happiness will go away and then cherish them all the more when we have them.

This past weekend, for example.  I was at a church retreat - the young adult retreat for United Methodists in Southern California.  While this is an annual retreat, I want to move back to Washington when I graduate, so I won't be coming back next year.  Chances are, I won't be back at all.  I was aware of that the whole weekend - I made friends, knowing I probably won't see them again.  I loved the environment, knowing I probably won't be back.  The temptation may be to withdraw, to keep from being attached so I won't miss it when I'm gone... but I went the opposite route.  I chose to appreciate the blessing that I could be there at all, to love the people all the more for the knowledge that I wouldn't get another chance.  These choices... they made the weekend that much better.  They reminded me how much nicer it is just to appreciate what I have, they told me I needed to come back to real life and continue to love the people around me more fully, just in case.

Remembering the impermanence of the things in our life goes for pain, too.  We frequently cling to pain, holding it tight long after it should be gone, not allowing it to leave and the good things to fill our life again.  One could describe holding a grudge this way - it doesn't affect the begrudged, but it hurts the grudge holder, as they obsess about whatever happened and don't allow space for new life.

When I woke up this morning, there was a new post from one of my favorite Facebook pages: Tad.  Tad often posts about mindfulness, living in the present moment, and things like that.  The post sums up the rest of what I want to say nicely, so I'm going to leave it here to finish:

Pain happens to all of us, but suffering is what happens when you take that pain and build a story around it. This is in no way denying that traumatic events occur. But when you take the pain and trauma and use it to form an identity, you create suffering for yourself.

Pain can be physical or psychological. You may have sustained an injury, or had a crime perpetrated against you. You may have exp

erienced the death of a loved one, or a broken relationship. You may have been treated unfairly at work, or by friends/society. Illness, loss, accidents, crime, death - with any of these events, you experience pain. Accept what happens because you cannot change it after it occurs; you experience the pain, and you take any constructive actions you can to address the situation. You learn, you grieve, and you heal. But whether you suffer or not is your choice.

Suffering is often easier to see in other people. We all know someone who clings to something that happened in the past and makes it "who they are." They take the pain of an event and turn it into an identity, and this "mind-made suffering" can last weeks, months, years...even a lifetime. It is harder to see in ourselves, but we can do so with mindful investigation.

The more you become aware of these habits of the mind, the more you realize that even though pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

I hope some of you can take this out into life, and appreciate a few moments for what they are, and not fret about what you wish they could be.

Did I hear someone say "Whirled Peas"?

I honestly couldn't tell you what I wished for when I blew out my candles Friday night. What do I ever wish for? General good feelings and happiness? World peace?

Of course I want world peace. Who doesn't? I know it seems like a bit of a pipe dream right now, especially as I'm realizing that my generation has spent their lives in a world where America is at war, even if we aren't that affected by it here in the states.

Even so, who doesn't want world peace? Who doesn't ultimately wish that the injustices of the world would end and we'd all get along?

I seriously doubt there are many people in the world who don't want peace... There are just those who think its possible now and those who don't think it'll be possible as long as people exist who are different from them.  (I know reasons for war are far more complicated than "people are different from us and we don't like it", but usually that seems to factor in to some degree).

When I was little, my mom always said "if a bunch of white girls can't get along, how are we ever going to have world peace?"  I always thought it was funny, but true: if a bunch of white girls from upper-middle class neighborhoods in Washington State can't reconcile their differences and love each other in spite of / because of them, how can we ever hope that male and female, rich and poor, everyone in the middle, people from different states and different countries with completely different cultural backgrounds... if a bunch of white girls can't get along, how can we hope that anyone else will?

Ultimately, this was my mom's version of that quote "be the change you want to see in the world".  It was her concrete way of reminding me that my actions and the actions of my peers do affect the grander scheme of things - that the way I treat the people around me has a larger impact in the world.  If I can't love other white girls, it'll be that much harder to learn to love Asian girls, or Black girls.

I've always tried to take these words to heart.  I've always tried to love the people around me, to seek our similarities and learn about and appreciate our differences.  And now that my birthday has come and gone again, and I'm reflecting on the past year, I'm realizing that I once again need to remind myself why I want to go into the world with an aim to love people, to build them up, to live for the greater good of each individual and for all individuals.

Today is Blog Action Day - a day when bloggers everywhere post on a single topic.  This year, the topic is "The Power of We".

I believe that we can make a difference, if only by trying to have a more positive, loving attitude towards those around us.

Is anyone with me?