Friday, November 19, 2010

To Whom it May Concern: A Letter to the Government of our Glorious Nation

Dear Sirs,

I would like to express to you my sincere gratitude about the measures you are taking to keep your people safe from the imminent danger of a terrorist attack.  I believe the steps you have taken are absolutely essential to keep the American people alive.

However, it has come to my attention that we, the people, are faced with many more threats than just a terrorist attack on an airplane.  This concerns me: what are you, honorable Sirs, doing to protect us from the dangerous world around us?

I find myself unfortunately unaware of the answer to this important question.  Since this lack of knowledge and the implied lack of protection has caused me great anxiety, I decided to write you to suggest some other measures you should take in your apparent quest to protect the American People from all harm.

First, it seems many people die at the hands of drunk drivers.  Since it seems we cannot train the drunks not to drive, we will have to forcibly keep them out of their cars entirely.  How?  Well, since so many people get drunk at bars and then drive home, it would seem only logical that we test the drunkenness of those leaving bars.  Should they be too drunk to drive, they can be retained at the bars until they are fully sober.

Another very serious risk to those of the gentler sex is that posed to them by those sexually aggressive males in our society.  Ah yes, this is a danger to them too horrible to speak of, and one which the government should do whatever it can to prevent such a fate from befalling them.  I would like to propose a logical solution: safety in numbers.  A woman alone is at a greater risk than two women.  Three women are even safer.  So why not require women to travel in groups of at least three?  Since, of course, no man, even a husband, can be fully trusted, a man traveling with a woman still presents a risk.  Therefore, I propose that, no matter the circumstances, the number of women in the group must always be at least double the number of men.  That way, there is very little risk of the men in the group becoming of one mind and overpowering the women.

One of the very serious risks to our next generation - our nation's children - is that of a school shooting, or similar attack.  Parents are trusting you to protect their students when they are being educated in the public school system.  Any form of disruption cannot be tolerated, just as absolutely no risk can be taken in the searching of those who wish to board an airplane.  So let us use the same procedures as students enter their school building.  No weapon of any kind should be tolerated.  And we should be extra cautious that students are not trying to conceal nail clippers in their undergarments, lest a 6-year-old should go on a murderous rampage.

Many people are killed or injured each year by members of our society who have already been identified as less than savory characters.  Clearly, letting anyone out of prison is a bad idea.  So we should really not let anyone out of the prison system, under any circumstances.

Finally, since I would particularly like to protect our nation's youth from danger, I believe we should do whatever we can to ensure that children are not harmed by the very people who are supposed to love them the most: their parents.  Abuse is a very serious threat to our nation's children, but even more serious is the risks of neglect and poor parenting.  Pinpointing the parents who are likely to abuse or neglect their children should be of utmost importance to the government.  A system of doing so is simple: go to the homes of parents-to-be and parents of infants, and make sure they have completely childproofed their home.  If they have not, they clearly do not understand proper parenting and should not be allowed to raise their child.  Of those who have, there is still a risk that they are not mentally fit to become parents, so those who raise the most suspicion should undergo thorough psychological tests to ensure that they will, in fact, be good parents.  Any children of parents who do not pass these tests should be immediately removed from their families and placed into orphanages or foster care, in order to ensure they get the best and safest possible upbringing.

I believe that implementing these suggestions as soon as possible is the only way to possibly ensure the safety of the American people.  Please consider what I have to say.  My life, and the life of everyone around me, depends on it.

With deepest respect,
A concerned citizen

1 comment:

  1. If this is a satire, then I love it :D
    And if it is not, that is okay too :D
    We're doing satire in class now!